Wedding Week

It is now officially wedding week!

Yesterday on my #coffeeneuring trip (more on that later) I rode by the ceremony site and it looked beautiful!

I successfully obtained the marriage license on Friday and got post-cards which they are using in place of a guest book.  I checked the White House Gift Shop for postcards because I thought they might have some really cool ones.

They did not.  Especially not for $1 or $2 apiece.  I continued down 15th Street and perused the gift shop truck vendors until I found one that had a good variety and then bought the postcards I needed for 25 cents apiece.

The only crisis still currently waiting to be solved is to get Mergsie’s pants (that will make sense later, promise) fixed.  Hopefully that will be accomplished by my tailor first thing on Friday morning.

It’s possible and probably likely that some other crisis will arise this week, but I think we have enough of the prep done that we can handle it.

I’m getting excited!

Thoughts On Where We Are

*A stream of consciousness on our relationship and where things are right now.

I don’t like how we fight.

I don’t like how it feels like we aren’t working towards the same goals.

I don’t like how distant I feel from him and I feel like his parents, the unknowns, and what could happen with them are a wedge in our relationship.

I don’t like feeling like I never know if something I’m going to say is going to be unacceptable.

I don’t like feeling like we aren’t on the same page.  I don’t like not knowing how much is going to be asked of me.  I don’t like feeling scared to move forward.  I don’t like being hesitant to make a move.  I don’t like feeling like we don’t have shared goals.  I don’t like feeling afraid of what it will mean to move forward.  I don’t like not knowing what he is going to want.  I don’t like feeling uncertain.  I don’t like feeling like we are co-existing.  I don’t like that the situation with his parents bothers me and that we can’t talk about it.

I don’t like the uncertainty.  This all feels like an emergency and at the same time it feels like a long drawn out serious of conversations we need to have.

It feels like it needs forethought and planning and yet it feels like too much time has already passed without talking about these things and I’m scared.  And I’m scared not to have these conversations and I’m simultaneously scared to have these conversations.

My hands are shaking at the prospects.

It bothers me that he has been bothered by his parents lack of communication and yet he didn’t tell me.  That’s what I mean by the issues with them come between us.  And I feel like we are not a united front.  And I feel like for a good long while we were.  And I feel like we aren’t now.  And I feel like I get blamed and judged for my gut reaction, not my actions.

Why don’t my actions count for more than my emotions?

I feel like we need guidance or counseling or something and at the same time I’m afraid to admit how much I’m struggling.  Like saying it out loud will make in real in a new way.  And yet I want help.

I want someone to tell me this is normal and everyone goes through this and this is no biggie and it doesn’t mean I am deeply and fundamentally flawed.

I just wanted to be normal and better than normal.  And I want us to be on the same page.  And I want to move forward and I want to develop a plan and blast through this challenge.

I just want to know what questions to ask and how to address these things.  But what if I make it worse?  What if we can’t agree and we fight and we damage this?

What if we can’t solve these issues and is drives us apart and instead of stitching our life maps together every conversation becomes a knife tearing and shredding and we can never put the pieces back together again and my fear was right?

Happy Anniversary to Me

Today is our anniversary.  It is our 6th wedding anniversary and our 11th anniversary for being together.

It seems hard to believe we have been together for 11 years, and even harder to believe we have been married for 6.  We have finally reached the tipping point and have been married longer than we dated.

It simultaneously feels like it was just yesterday, and also good riddance I feel every one of those days.

Some days I feel my soul smiling at how perfect we are for each other.  And other days, it feels like my heart has been broken into a million pieces.  How could someone who is supposed to know me so well, not know me at all?

Some days it seems like we could conquer the world.  And other days, we barely manage between the two of us to make coffee, eat dinner, and clean the floors.  Fine.  We don’t manage to clean the floors on those days.

Sometimes our home is perfect and Homie tells me how much he loves it and how he should have trusted my vision for it sooner and how restful it is to come home to such a clean house.  And other times, it’s hot and small and we brush the dirt off our barefeet before putting them under the covers.

Some nights he holds me and his body spoons mine perfectly and it is the safest home I have ever known.  And others, I wake up multiple times to his elbow in my face.

Some mornings we wake up cuddled together and we never want to leave that place.  Other mornings I am on my side and he is on his and I push his thigh with my foot until he wakes up and turns his alarm off.

Some nights I cry myself to sleep because marriage is hard and frustrating and painful.  And I wonder why in the world this seemed like a good idea, and I wonder how we will ever make it “forever”.

Some days I hope that everyone has someone the way that I have him.  And others, I feel like the poster child for all of the reasons not to get married.

Some days I am thankful that we have grown up together and shaped our futures together.  Others, I think that everyone else must have been right.  We were too young, too naive, too poor to get married.

Sometimes I marvel at how many interests we share and our similar our goals are.  Other times I simply cannot fathom how his brain works and I am certain that we will never be able to reach a compromise.

It has been quite the adventure so far, but to be honest I feel a little weary.  The struggles of the last couple of years have taken their toll and I find myself feeling more like “whoa we made it through the year” than “whoo let’s celebrate”.

I feel like we need to rest and regroup.  And I’m not sure when we’ll have a chance to do that.

But here’s to my Homie and 6 years of marriage and 11 years together!