The Waiting

It has been quite a week…

Friday morning I got an email with news that I have been waiting for for about 15-17 years.

Now, truth be told the first 6-8 years was me waiting to turn 18 so that I could actually graduate from high school, attend college, and then start this dream.  But I still count those years because I knew back then that this is what I was meant to do.

The next 5 years or so I spent working through the educational requirements necessary to get to this point.

But then I was ready and there were no jobs, and no one could give me a chance, and I couldn’t find a way to demonstrate that this is where I’m supposed to be.  I started to second guess myself.

I wondered how I could have been so wrong for so many years about my purpose in life.

I wondered how I could have completely misread every sign or direction indicating the path that God had for me.

I wondered why God had given me such a strong passion for this field if this wasn’t where I was supposed to be.

I prayed that if this wasn’t the course God had for me that he would make it obvious.  That he would take away my desire for this course.  That I would discover something else I was passionate about, that I was also good at.

When none of that came, I doubted myself.  I doubted my faith.  I doubted my belief in God.

What kind of God lets you pursue something passionately with seemingly great success until the final moment and then rips it all away from you, leaving you with no purpose?

Why wouldn’t God reveal a new purpose for my life and give me something to be passionate about when I begged for it?

I asked myself those questions a lot, and since I was unemployed and essentially homeless except for my parents generosity I had a lot of time to sit and ponder those questions.  I couldn’t find an answer.  And then my 16-year-old cousin died in a horrible horrible tragic accident.

I still feel myself go numb when I think about how he died.  My hands and forearms tingle and I can hear the blood rushing in my head and I can’t bring myself to think about it beyond that point.

My cousin was a phenomenal athlete, he was passionate about going into medicine, he was funny, he was kind, and everyone in the tiny town he lived in knew that he loved Jesus.

I wondered how in the world I could be alive when I clearly had been wrong about the purpose of my life for so long and I didn’t know where God wanted me.  I didn’t feel useful and my sweet cousin who was only 16 and loved Jesus and was a shining example was lying in the ground.

As I’ve moved forward from all of that I’ve found myself feeling ambivalent about God.  I’m scared to turn away, but I’m scared to trust and I’ve been in limbo for a long time.

I have been trying hard over the last year to reformulate goals for my life without the main one I have always had.  I realized that I have been a sort of one-dimensional person and that I planned to use that path to fulfill everything.  I’ve focused a lot on what kind of person I want to be if that door is never opened.

I think the hardest part for me has been that as I’ve formulated  a plan for how I will serve and who I will reach and what I will do, I haven’t been able to move past the desire for the path that I’ve always wanted.

I’ve prayed hard for God to take that desire from me.  If that’s not his will then he should just take that desire.

But he hasn’t, and I’ve continued to struggle over the last year with that voice in the back of my head that reminds me of another course.

In December a door opened for the path I have always wanted to pursue.  In January, when my supervisor died, I found myself torn between thinking that I should stay where I am and that I was forging ahead trying to force something to happen and wondering what Frank would have done differently if he had known he was going to die the day after his 53 birthday.

Even as I’ve waited, and submitted forms, and waited some more I have been praying that if this isn’t God’s plan that he would prepare me for that, and that he would take away this desire.

I cried on the phone with my mom because I wanted to be able to get the news that this door was closed forever and say “It is well with my soul.”  But I couldn’t.  I knew if I got the news that this door was closed, I was still after all this waiting going to be absolutely crushed.

Then on Friday while I ran on the elliptical I got the word.

The answer was yes.

I jumped off the elliptical and literally ran through the lobby of my building so that I could call Homie to tell him the news.  I was pacing in circles in my tank top and shorts in front of the building and it was much too cold for those clothes, but I didn’t notice.

I cried in the shower wondering how I can even begin to thank God when I had stopped believing that he had a plan for me.

I wondered throughout the day if I would get some word that actually there was some sort of error or problem and that I actually didn’t get this position.  And maybe the moral of the story wouldn’t end with after waiting and struggling to trust these last 3 years it all paid off, but that actually the story would be that after waiting and struggling I got a yes but then some mistake had been made and I actually got a no.  Maybe my story would be how I responded to that last bit of devastation.

I sound paranoid.  Clearly Doubting Thomas has nothin on me.

Those thoughts ran through my head though.

I think it has just started over the last day or two to sink in that this is for real.  This is happening.  This is the course I will take.

In 11 days it will all be completely official.  In 17 days I leave for almost four months of training.

The whole entire wait is almost over.

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How I’m Doing at Adulting

The answer is poorly.  Very poorly.

You know how sometimes you realize something, but then right as you begin to work on it life kicks you in the face over and over so that you can truly appreciate your weakness at handling that thing?

Yeah, the last couple of weeks have been a little bit like that.

Despite trying hard to focus on moving forward one small step at a time I feel like I am getting farther and farther behind.

On Thursday night that all sort of came to a head, even after trying hard all week to do a couple of tasks each evening after work to get back on top of my life.  It didn’t help that Homie not so gently suggested that it was all my fault and I didn’t try hard enough to take care of the situation.

Ensue full meltdown.  Obviously.

I woke up on Friday though having resolved to just continue taking baby steps forward.  I didn’t get behind on life overnight, I won’t get caught up overnight and that’s okay.  But I couldn’t fight the feeling that I’m just doing a really poor job at being an adult and managing my life…

I arrived at work early Friday morning to meet co-workers to head out of town for the day for an important meeting.  When I pulled my suit out I realized I forgot my belt.  And these suit pants are slightly too big so the hooks don’t stay closed allowing the pants to flop open (getting them tailored is one of the adult tasks I’ve been meaning to do and haven’t done).  But no problem, because there is a Target and it is open and I needed a new belt anyways.  That’s another thing on my list of things to do that I haven’t done.

I ran out the door and up to Target only to discover that they didn’t have any women’s belts.  Not one.  Not even a rack for belts!

Ah! Not to worry I thought, a leather belt is a leather belt.  I will buy a men’s leather belt.  Except they were sold out of all men’s belts except for extra large.

The only thing worse than your pants flopping open is your belt being so big that it droops down and falls like a necklace in front of your crotch and then your pants flop open.

Then I tried this…

Binder Clip Pants

I binder clipped my pants on.

Yeah… welcome to adulthood.  This isn’t quite how I thought it would go.

People ask me why I don’t have children.  What is wrong with them?  I can’t even dress myself appropriately for important meetings at work, and you want to know why I don’t have children!

So that’s about how things are going in general.  But I’m working on getting it together.  Or at least working on getting better at looking like I have it all together.

TGIF

  
It has been a rough week. 

My immediate supervisor died unexpectedly Wednesday. He turned 53 on Tuesday. 

I don’t think I can even convey how much he was loved by everyone. 

I rode my bike home last night and thought about him the whole way. 

He loved this office, he loved our people, he loved his wife and daughter, and he loved this town.

I can barely handle the thought of walking into the office and not hearing his laugh each morning. 

Frank, I’m gonna miss you buddy. 

This ride was for you.  

   

When You Realize…

You’re not doing a terribly great job at being an adult.

Something crazy happened this past week and I was asked for some documentation about my degrees.  Easy.  Except that I can’t find my actual paper copy of my most recent degree.  I have my transcript but not the actual paper degree.  And they wanted a copy of the paper degree.

But what I did discover while searching (because I have a distinct memory of putting the paper back in the cardboard folder, then in an envelope and sticking it someplace “safe”) is that I apparently put my Staples rewards card which I have been looking for for 3 years in the fireproof lock box.

I guess because it says “permanent member card” my brain decided that those words gave it appropriate status to belong in the indestructible box.

My brain did not however, think that the title to my car is worth putting in the indestructible box because I found that in a manila folder in a plastic organizer on the bookcase in the hallway.

So even as I reflect on last year and my 2015 goals and all the progress I have made, I have encountered several similar things the last few weeks where I have been forced to face the fact that I’m not actually terribly on top of being a responsible adult.  I’ll just add that to the 2016 goals list.  Once I make the list that is.

Who Am I and What Am I Doing With This Blog?

(I wrote briefly about this a while ago)  I used to blog on another WordPress site.  I actually had what I would consider to be a pretty large number of followers considering I just wrote about the random everyday type of things that occurred.
But life became a series of extremely painful events.  Some of those events were mine and some weren’t.
Some of what I needed to get off my chest was too raw to share with people who knew me IRL.  Some of it was too personal.  Some of it brought me pain, but the events weren’t mine to share.  And so I couldn’t say any of it.
I couldn’t write.  Until I reached the point where I couldn’t not write either.
My solution was a new blog where no one knows my name.
I’ve been posting on this one sporadically for a little over two years now.
I don’t know what I write about.  I find myself torn because I want to be anonymous, I want to be able to write and work through the events of the past few years.  I also want to document what’s happening in my life and be able to be open and include pictures or references to things around me.
I’ll admit that I’m scared.  I’m scared that someone I know or work with will stumble across my blog and they’ll recognize my picture or something and then they will know things about me that I would never tell them.  That I would never trust them enough to say.    And then where would that leave me?
As I was trying to pick up the broken pieces of my life I realized that I had become a one-dimensional person.  I only had one goal for my life, and everything revolved around that single goal.  When that derailed it left me with nothing.  So I decided to make a list of characteristics that would describe the type of person I wanted to be.  Then I worked that list into a list of goals for 2015.  I had planned to write regularly about my progress on those goals.
But one goal drowned out the others, biking!  And now I’ve been writing a fair amount about biking.  I love it.  It’s the best.  It’s one of my favorite parts of my life hands down.  I want to be able to share pictures of my bikes, and myself with my bikes, and Homie and I biking, and places that I go.
I don’t know how that fits into the original purpose of this blog though.  I actually wanted to bike to help work through some of the same issues that prompted me to start this blog.  But now that the two have merged, I don’t know where I’m going with this.

I’m Losing My Mind

Monday evening we had two medium to mild wedding crises.  Both can be resolved, but when biggies come up within two weeks of the wedding involving the bride’s clothes for the wedding and the marriage license it’s a bit stressful to say the least.

All day yesterday I was pumped because I came up with the best wedding present idea and it was supposed to be delivered.  On my lunch break I followed up on the two crises and was pretty confident that everything that could be done now was done.  I felt like things were being checked off the to-do list left and right, and I was pumped to get home and maybe even wrap Mergsie’s wedding present!

I got home to find a small item that I had ordered, but no wedding present.  I rushed inside and checked the email confirmation I received yesterday morning and sure enough it definitely said 10/27.  A couple of months ago I ordered a backpack for biking from REI and it never arrived.  The tracking information said it was delivered at the door about 30 minutes before Homie got back from work, but it wasn’t here.

I searched for the backpack around our neighborhood in case it was delivered to the wrong place, checked with UPS, and at the post office because apparently the delivery method is a new one where UPS hands the item off to USPS for the final delivery.  Fortunately, REI was fantastic about the whole thing, took my word for it that the bag was not actually delivered, and issued a full refund.

The tracking information for the wedding present listed delivery as the same UPS to USPS delivery as what my backpack had.  I freaked out.  Because the package obviously was not at the door, but the delivery confirmation listed the delivery as “at the front door.”  And I doubted it was stolen because who steals one package but leaves a second behind?  Plus there’s the whole we live on the top floor and the building is small and not exactly optimal for getting in and out unnoticed.

Homie had arrived at the same time I did and he offered to help me look for the package.  I figured it could have been delivered to another building and I wanted to eliminate that possibility before I called UPS.  We grabbed keys and ran out the door, I went left and he went right.  I ran up to the third floor (which depending on the elevation of the building is either three or four flights of stairs) in every single building hoping that at one of the doors I would find my package.

I found a number of other packages that had been delivered.  Twenty minutes later we had searched every building and I ran at least three flights of stairs 13 times in my dress clothes, but still no wedding present.

I was so disappointed.  I thought this was the perfect wedding present and I was ecstatic to find it.  It is a vintage item and I have found others for sale but the price has been about 4 times as much and the condition of the item hasn’t always been as good.  I really wasn’t sure if I would be able to find another one that would arrive before the wedding.

We came back in and I decided to call UPS first.  Clearly there is some kind of problem with the delivery system, driver, or our address in the system if my package got lost a second time.  I picked up my phone, pulled up the tracking information, and sat down to wait for a real live human.  While I waited I picked up the package that was delivered.  I was reading the label trying to see if I could figure out why one UPS package arrived and the other didn’t.

As I studied the label and compared it to the tracking information I noticed the last four digits of the tracking number in the email and on the package were the same.  My first thought was that maybe those four digits represent our specific apartment.  But then as I looked I realized more of the numbers were the same.  I looked at the beginning of the number, the middle, back at the end.

It couldn’t be…

But yes. Yes it could.  I checked and wouldn’t you know the wedding present is being shipped FedEx and checked in today somewhere in West Virginia.  The package that UPS delivered today that I frantically searched every building on the closest three streets for, and then called customer service to find was there the whole time.

Fortunately, Homie wasn’t upset that he ran around the neighborhood in a suit looking like a creeper.  He was just glad the package wasn’t lost.  But I think I may be losing my mind. I ran around looking for something that was literally in.my.hand.

Clearly I need a glass of wine.

Sisters Weekend

This weekend is “Sisters Weekend”!!!  I’ve been looking forward to it since about July when we planned it.

I think in the last two years all my sisters and I have only been together three weekends.  Since July 2011 at least one sister has been living out of the country until July of this year.  And not the same sister, but 3/5.  They have inadvertently taken turns living overseas which has meant that every holiday has had a sister missing.

July 2014 we were all together for a long weekend.  Everyone is currently back in the States and one sister is getting married; the one I affectionately refer to as Dr. Mergalicious.

IMG_2878

It’s super weird that she is getting married.  It’s even weirder that she is marrying someone who is approximately the opposite of every single other guy she has dated.  But he’s also the first guy she has dated who I have liked.  And he’s just right for her.

She has this weekend off and our sister who is in college has fall break so we decided to make this weekend Mergsie’s “bachelorette party” ish.   Ish because our youngest two sisters (the babies) are 12 and 14 so there won’t be any clubs or plastic penis decorations.    Which is better anyways.

After we planned for this to be “Sisters Weekend” we realized that our parents will be out-of-town for the weekend at a conference.  So it truly will be just the sisters.

I’m so pumped!!!  I’m waiting to head to the airport and then tomorrow morning it officially starts with brunch including waffles and mimosas (not for the babies).  That will be followed by an all day movie marathon of the Fast & Furious movies with snacks of course.  Then we have shrimp or beef tacos for dinner with avocado lime sauce and honey jalapeno margaritas (Cokes for the babies) and cheesecake and chocolate chip pie for dessert!

Sunday we have to find Mergsie shoes for the wedding and make the place cards for the reception.  It should be pretty awesome.