This week has been a hard week. Last week was a little bit harder than I thought it would be as well.
The second anniversary of my cousin’s death is Saturday. It somehow simultaneously feels like it just happened yesterday and I can’t believe that he’s gone and I sort of half expect to see him again and also like it happened forever ago.
It feels like this year the anniversary is harder than last year.
Monday I felt horrible all day. I felt physically sick and just wanted to leave work and come home. I had a horrible headache, I think from the rain, I had a sore throat, and my whole body ached. I couldn’t leave work though until I talked with someone regarding problems with my software on my computer. I had a can of soup in my desk and I decided to have that for lunch, but with it I just wanted a grilled cheese sandwich.
Soup and a grilled cheese is the ultimate comfort food for a rainy day when you are also sick. I went to the grocery store near my office planning to buy some bread and cheese. I knew that at this store the cheese would be outrageously expensive but I didn’t care. The store didn’t sell one single cheese without cow’s milk. No goat cheese, no sheep cheese, nothing, so no sandwich.
By the time I came home I just wanted normal.
Homie tried to be helpful and take over dinner. I felt like a terrible person, but all I wanted was for him to get the freak out of my kitchen and stop interrupting my normal evening routine and go back to his. I always get home before him, I unwind, then I start dinner and it’s usually pretty close to being ready by the time he gets home. Or I get home, unwind, do something, then when he arrives home I start cooking and while he unpacks his bag, showers, etc I finish dinner.
But on Monday he got home before me, went for a run, pulled out a recipe, and then when he came back was chatting and discussing dinner options. All I wanted was to quietly go through my normal routine.
This week being the anniversary of one cousin’s death while another cousin is still in the hospital with cancer nearly 3 months after being diagnosed is too much.