Thoughts On Where We Are

*A stream of consciousness on our relationship and where things are right now.

I don’t like how we fight.

I don’t like how it feels like we aren’t working towards the same goals.

I don’t like how distant I feel from him and I feel like his parents, the unknowns, and what could happen with them are a wedge in our relationship.

I don’t like feeling like I never know if something I’m going to say is going to be unacceptable.

I don’t like feeling like we aren’t on the same page.  I don’t like not knowing how much is going to be asked of me.  I don’t like feeling scared to move forward.  I don’t like being hesitant to make a move.  I don’t like feeling like we don’t have shared goals.  I don’t like feeling afraid of what it will mean to move forward.  I don’t like not knowing what he is going to want.  I don’t like feeling uncertain.  I don’t like feeling like we are co-existing.  I don’t like that the situation with his parents bothers me and that we can’t talk about it.

I don’t like the uncertainty.  This all feels like an emergency and at the same time it feels like a long drawn out serious of conversations we need to have.

It feels like it needs forethought and planning and yet it feels like too much time has already passed without talking about these things and I’m scared.  And I’m scared not to have these conversations and I’m simultaneously scared to have these conversations.

My hands are shaking at the prospects.

It bothers me that he has been bothered by his parents lack of communication and yet he didn’t tell me.  That’s what I mean by the issues with them come between us.  And I feel like we are not a united front.  And I feel like for a good long while we were.  And I feel like we aren’t now.  And I feel like I get blamed and judged for my gut reaction, not my actions.

Why don’t my actions count for more than my emotions?

I feel like we need guidance or counseling or something and at the same time I’m afraid to admit how much I’m struggling.  Like saying it out loud will make in real in a new way.  And yet I want help.

I want someone to tell me this is normal and everyone goes through this and this is no biggie and it doesn’t mean I am deeply and fundamentally flawed.

I just wanted to be normal and better than normal.  And I want us to be on the same page.  And I want to move forward and I want to develop a plan and blast through this challenge.

I just want to know what questions to ask and how to address these things.  But what if I make it worse?  What if we can’t agree and we fight and we damage this?

What if we can’t solve these issues and is drives us apart and instead of stitching our life maps together every conversation becomes a knife tearing and shredding and we can never put the pieces back together again and my fear was right?

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