Sighs

Can there be a Monday Mantra on Tuesday?

If there can be, then this is it for today.  Also please appreciate the low budget screen shot version of the image because I don’t have it on my phone. 

  
My heart hurts today.  I slept through 3 alarms this morning but I no longer can take the bus because I need a quick commute.  I’m faster than any other method of transportation to my office except driving.  I’m too cheap to pay for parking though so that’s out. 

It was good that I biked though.  My soul needed a bike ride. 

  If this can’t help your heart I don’t know what can. 

I’m Getting Faster

  * Not from this morning obvi

I did not want to bike to work this morning.  Hardcore did not want to bike.  But I also didn’t want to take the bus or Metro or any other currently available form of transportation so I made myself bike. 

I told myself I could go slow.  I forced myself not to race people who didn’t know we were racing.  I told myself if I got passed I would just focus on how strong my legs felt.  I even told myself I could walk once I got off the trail instead of riding in the street. 

I forced myself to repeat “It’s the journey that matters, not the destination” over and over. 

And I let myself go slow and just enjoy the beauty of the river. It’s almost prettier when the sun isn’t shining on it.  The river looks dark blue and calm.  The Lincoln looks gray, stately, and serious instead of gleaming blinding white.  

I made it and the second to last hill that makes me curse everyone seemed easier.  I biked in the street the last 3/4 of a mile and when I got to my office and checked, I had my second fastest time ever!

I might need to ponder what “slowing down” a little will do for me in other areas of my life. 

On Going Projects

I haven’t blogged as much as I have wanted to recently.  I have lots of things I want to write about, but I find myself feeling like I can either write about them or actually do them.  For example, the goals I set for 2015, overall I have been doing a pretty good job I think.  But it’s August and I think I’ve only talked about one.

I jotted down a list the other day of all the projects that I am trying to put time into or wrap up and when I wrote it out I realized it is a lot of things to be working on.  Especially because in the summer I usually spend at least one if not both days of the weekend at the pool.

But as of now, here are the projects I am trying to work on right now.

Projects:

  • Outfitting my bike for commuting
  • Or possibly getting a bike to outfit for commuting
  • Reupholstering 4 chairs
  • Finishing my dresser
  • Repotting a number of plants
  • Cooking regularly
  • Eating as a pescatarian
  • Simplifying our belongings
  • Finding an end table that fits
  • Paying off my student loans
  • Finding my abs
  • Finding a bridesmaid dress
  • Composting
  • Transitioning to a new position at work
  • Organizing our house
  • Getting our pictures organized and in albums
  • Getting a dog
  • Finding a church
  • Reducing waste

Monday Mantra

Success in SilenceThe goal is to continue living this out in the coming week.

I have been frustrated and discouraged for the better part of the last year at not being allowed to demonstrate my abilities at work.

 2 weeks ago with one team member out of town, one in the hospital, and one leaving for a new job my boss was forced to rely on me.

I fucking crushed it.

At the end of the week last week I had two of the four members of management come to me to tell me what a phenomenal job I have been doing, three of them took me out to lunch, and they told me I have been nominated for an award for my work on this project.

I’m not sure if they completely believe me when I say it, I but I have loved every minute of it.  I love stepping up, taking charge, making decisions, and getting shit done.  I love working hard.  I love being busy.  I love doing an excellent job.

The Logical Song

I’m not going to lie, I’m obsessed with this song right now.  I completely forgot about it until I saw the commercial for the printer about the girl who grows up and changes and realizes it while watching her daughter.

In particular, these lines resonate with me:

But then they sent me away to teach me how to be sensible    Logical, responsible, practical.

And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable.

Clinical, intellectual, cynical

I feel like what I have gone through the last couple of years can be perfectly summed up in those lines.  I often find myself feeling cynical and jaded in my view of things.

I used to believe that if you followed the right path and you worked your hardest and put your best effort in, that you would make it to where you wanted to be.

The realization that sometimes, your best isn’t good enough to get you where you want to be even if you’ve done everything “right” was one of the most devastating lessons I’ve ever had to learn.

Thoughts On Where We Are

*A stream of consciousness on our relationship and where things are right now.

I don’t like how we fight.

I don’t like how it feels like we aren’t working towards the same goals.

I don’t like how distant I feel from him and I feel like his parents, the unknowns, and what could happen with them are a wedge in our relationship.

I don’t like feeling like I never know if something I’m going to say is going to be unacceptable.

I don’t like feeling like we aren’t on the same page.  I don’t like not knowing how much is going to be asked of me.  I don’t like feeling scared to move forward.  I don’t like being hesitant to make a move.  I don’t like feeling like we don’t have shared goals.  I don’t like feeling afraid of what it will mean to move forward.  I don’t like not knowing what he is going to want.  I don’t like feeling uncertain.  I don’t like feeling like we are co-existing.  I don’t like that the situation with his parents bothers me and that we can’t talk about it.

I don’t like the uncertainty.  This all feels like an emergency and at the same time it feels like a long drawn out serious of conversations we need to have.

It feels like it needs forethought and planning and yet it feels like too much time has already passed without talking about these things and I’m scared.  And I’m scared not to have these conversations and I’m simultaneously scared to have these conversations.

My hands are shaking at the prospects.

It bothers me that he has been bothered by his parents lack of communication and yet he didn’t tell me.  That’s what I mean by the issues with them come between us.  And I feel like we are not a united front.  And I feel like for a good long while we were.  And I feel like we aren’t now.  And I feel like I get blamed and judged for my gut reaction, not my actions.

Why don’t my actions count for more than my emotions?

I feel like we need guidance or counseling or something and at the same time I’m afraid to admit how much I’m struggling.  Like saying it out loud will make in real in a new way.  And yet I want help.

I want someone to tell me this is normal and everyone goes through this and this is no biggie and it doesn’t mean I am deeply and fundamentally flawed.

I just wanted to be normal and better than normal.  And I want us to be on the same page.  And I want to move forward and I want to develop a plan and blast through this challenge.

I just want to know what questions to ask and how to address these things.  But what if I make it worse?  What if we can’t agree and we fight and we damage this?

What if we can’t solve these issues and is drives us apart and instead of stitching our life maps together every conversation becomes a knife tearing and shredding and we can never put the pieces back together again and my fear was right?