For better or for worse I am the same all the time. I am who I am. I am not different around various groups of people, even when I probably should be. What you see is what you get, and you can take it or leave it.
If I don’t have a relationship with someone or trust them I will treat that person the same as any other person I don’t know that well, no matter who they are. I don’t give a fuck if you think I should trust someone, if they haven’t earned it I won’t. I can’t make myself. That’s not possible for me. That’s not who I am.
It’s difficult having a double standard applied to that. I see the world in binary terms. There are things that fall within the rules and things that don’t. There are things you should do and things you should not do. You are who you prove yourself to be.
If you care about something, you demonstrate it through your actions. If something is important to you, you will make time for it. If you want a relationship with someone you will take steps to get to know that person.
I can’t take excuses. It is mind-boggling to me to try to imagine that someone has a genuine desire for something when they never take any action to fulfill that desire. It might sound naive but I truly truly believe that people do what they want most and they do what is important to them.
If you tell me something is important to you but you never do anything to live that out, I don’t believe you. I can’t. And if I can’t believe what you say because you don’t back it up with actions, then I can’t believe what you say. I don’t trust your word. That seems basic to me.
Homie likes to argue (and he truly believes) that people are more complicated than that. He thinks that people can truly desire something, but be too weak or scared or busy to follow through on it. He argues that just because they don’t do it, that doesn’t negate their desire to do so. I disagree.
I think that can be true for a time, but there comes a point where if you never follow through then your desire for comfort, or security, or whatever is greater than your desire for the thing you say is important to you. And that’s okay. It really is. You have every right to choose what is important to you.
By the same token though, I have every right to decide if I’m going to trust your word when you never back it up with actions. And you can’t blame me if I don’t.
Every time I have had a situation where I have put my instincts aside and decided to give someone the benefit of the doubt, open up to them, and trust what they say rather than what they do I have been burned.
And it hurts much worse that second time to be let down or betrayed by someone when I had to convince myself to be in that position despite the voice in my head telling me it wasn’t a good idea.
There is a situation where Homie wants me to throw all of that out the window. I can’t. It’s in my bones. That voice telling me if someone can be trusted is deep inside me. It’s nearly impossible for me to ignore. And every time I do ignore it the situation is terrible.
It’s often hard for me to get close to people. And I’ll admit I probably don’t have a ton of friends for that reason. I have to fight really hard not to write people off when they let me down or are inconsistent in their behavior. But the people who I am close with I know I can count on. They are the best, most loyal, most honest, most dependable group of friends you could ask for.
It is really hard for me to have Homie ask me to act like someone I’m not just because another person says they are genuine. Why can’t they just demonstrate that they mean what they say? Why am I supposed to not be who I am? Why is it okay for me to be cautious with trusting people, until you don’t like it? Why is it okay for me to be hesitant around people who aren’t being genuine until it’s inconvenient for you? Why do you get to apply a double standard to my behavior, to who I am?
I like that I’m consistent in what I believe and how I act. I like that the voice deep down buried in my bones is an excellent judge of character. My gut instinct is the bomb diggety, and it pays off time and time again both in my personal life and my professional life. Why can’t I live the way I believe? I’ll trust that voice and live my life. I’ll let people have all the room they need to prove if they’re good people. But if someone isn’t genuine and they don’t care and they don’t want to know me, I’m not going to play games. I’m just going to move right along.
You do what you want most. If something is important to you, you will find a way to demonstrate that. Doesn’t matter what you say, you are what you do. That’s how I live, and I’m not okay with being asked to do otherwise.