For awhile now I have found myself struggling with a near constant feeling of dread.
Actually, the last year and a half or so I have had a hard time with anxiety. That’s odd for me. As my circumstances have stabilized, the anxiety has lessened. But I have still had periods where every single night for weeks at a time I will have a stress dream. Usually about the same thing over and over. Over the past few months the anxiety has largely gone away and my stress dreams have decreased, with the exception of one topic. But what has lingered and is getting worse is this feeling of dread.
I dread picking up my phone because I’m afraid I’m going to have a text or a phone call that something is wrong. I find myself dreading what I might find as I get up the steps to my apartment. I’m afraid that someone will be waiting for me at the top to tell me some terrible news. Sometimes I wake up in the middle of the night and I lay there afraid that I will hear a knock at the front door.
I have been trying to figure out why I’ve been fighting this feeling and where it is coming from.
I’m not sure what made me realize the other day, but I think it’s the year. It’s 2015. Every year since 2007 something terrible has happened.
2007 – my unborn baby sister died. 2009 – my sister was raped. 2011 – my grandfather nearly died. He had a heart attack caused by an infection that migrated to his heart. After a month he was finally going home from the hospital. He crashed while my cousin and I were in the room. Somehow he survived. 2013 – in addition to all the other stuff my 16 year old cousin died in a horrible horrible accident.
2015 – I don’t know. But I think in my head I’m expecting that something should happen. And it’s scary.