Baby Steps

I have mentally composed a post about my goals for this year about 18 times, but have yet to actually sit down and write it. If I had, this post would make a lot more sense. But we’ll just take it one thing at a time.

I took three steps this weekend to accomplish big goals that I set for myself, and it feels awesome.

One goal was to go to things to learn. Whether that be a book discussion, a class, a lecture, a museum exhibit, whatever just go. I never want to stop learning. A few weeks ago I signed up for a one night painting class and I went. It was pretty awesome. I would have told you that never in a million years could I paint anything recognizable. And my painting isn’t great and I can think of at least 12 tweaks I would like to make, but I did it. I did something outside of my comfort zone to learn something new.

Another goal for this year is to be brave. I used to be so brave. I used to be such a bad ass. I was never afraid. And then I started getting kicked in the face by life, and those events have left me worried and nervous. What if something happens? What if I get hurt? What if after everything I went through something happens and my dreams really are destroyed? And so I hesitate and move cautiously. But that’s not who I want to be.

Riding my bike in the street (as opposed to the sidewalk, a bike path, or a designated bike lane) symbolizes not being afraid to me. So today I ordered lights for my bike so that I can stop agonizing over if I’m visible enough and using that as an excuse not to ride. Fuck it. I’m riding my bike in the street. Just as soon as I get my lights installed.

The last thing, and this is probably the biggest – my goal for this year is not to be mean to myself.  I punish myself all the time in a million different ways for not being good enough. One of the smaller ways, is that I don’t let myself buy something I really want if it’s not the cheapest option. It’s really silly when I say it out loud. I’ve never let myself buy mascara more expensive than Cover Girl or Maybelline. I don’t know why. It just seems too extravagant, like I’m not pretty enough or skilled enough at applying makeup to spend the money on expensive stuff.  I really wanted Too Faced Better Than Sex mascara, I couldn’t bring myself to buy it so I put it on my birthday list. But I didn’t tell anyone that I had a birthday list. Because it seemed like too much to tell people when they asked that I had some things that I wanted, but they were nice good quality things that I haven’t been able to bring myself to purchase.

So I put mascara on my birthday list, and didn’t tell anyone. Shockingly enough, I didn’t get  mascara for my birthday. And that was fine by me, because if I had gotten it I wouldn’t have been able to bring myself to use it. I needed eyeliner so I went to the store and while I was there I bought myself Too Faced Better Than Sex mascara. It took me a little more than 6 months to bring myself to buy it but I did it.

It feels good to be able to look at what I did this weekend and see three little things that are really steps to my larger goals for being the person that I want to be. I’m just taking baby steps.

 

 

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2 thoughts on “Baby Steps

  1. Your goals seem to be pretty similar to mine… riding bikes in the streets.. and buying expensive makeup! It’s actually terrifying for me to walk into one of those ‘nice’ makeup stores. For some reason, I feel all inadequate, like the salespeople are gonna be like ‘I can tell you won’t even know how to apply this.’ Anyways, best of luck to you on reaching your goals!

    • It makes me feel better that I’m not the only one completely intimidated!! You described it exactly! I have this feeling like the salespeople will know I have no idea what these products are supposed to do and I don’t know how to apply them. Sometimes I wonder how everyone else figured this stuff out and I didn’t.

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