Baby Steps

I have mentally composed a post about my goals for this year about 18 times, but have yet to actually sit down and write it. If I had, this post would make a lot more sense. But we’ll just take it one thing at a time.

I took three steps this weekend to accomplish big goals that I set for myself, and it feels awesome.

One goal was to go to things to learn. Whether that be a book discussion, a class, a lecture, a museum exhibit, whatever just go. I never want to stop learning. A few weeks ago I signed up for a one night painting class and I went. It was pretty awesome. I would have told you that never in a million years could I paint anything recognizable. And my painting isn’t great and I can think of at least 12 tweaks I would like to make, but I did it. I did something outside of my comfort zone to learn something new.

Another goal for this year is to be brave. I used to be so brave. I used to be such a bad ass. I was never afraid. And then I started getting kicked in the face by life, and those events have left me worried and nervous. What if something happens? What if I get hurt? What if after everything I went through something happens and my dreams really are destroyed? And so I hesitate and move cautiously. But that’s not who I want to be.

Riding my bike in the street (as opposed to the sidewalk, a bike path, or a designated bike lane) symbolizes not being afraid to me. So today I ordered lights for my bike so that I can stop agonizing over if I’m visible enough and using that as an excuse not to ride. Fuck it. I’m riding my bike in the street. Just as soon as I get my lights installed.

The last thing, and this is probably the biggest – my goal for this year is not to be mean to myself.  I punish myself all the time in a million different ways for not being good enough. One of the smaller ways, is that I don’t let myself buy something I really want if it’s not the cheapest option. It’s really silly when I say it out loud. I’ve never let myself buy mascara more expensive than Cover Girl or Maybelline. I don’t know why. It just seems too extravagant, like I’m not pretty enough or skilled enough at applying makeup to spend the money on expensive stuff.  I really wanted Too Faced Better Than Sex mascara, I couldn’t bring myself to buy it so I put it on my birthday list. But I didn’t tell anyone that I had a birthday list. Because it seemed like too much to tell people when they asked that I had some things that I wanted, but they were nice good quality things that I haven’t been able to bring myself to purchase.

So I put mascara on my birthday list, and didn’t tell anyone. Shockingly enough, I didn’t get  mascara for my birthday. And that was fine by me, because if I had gotten it I wouldn’t have been able to bring myself to use it. I needed eyeliner so I went to the store and while I was there I bought myself Too Faced Better Than Sex mascara. It took me a little more than 6 months to bring myself to buy it but I did it.

It feels good to be able to look at what I did this weekend and see three little things that are really steps to my larger goals for being the person that I want to be. I’m just taking baby steps.

 

 

Writer’s Block

So I suck.  See the thing is, I love blogging. I’ve blogged for so long (in other places) that it feels like a part of me.

But I’m kind of a privacy junkie at the same time. Those two things don’t go hand in hand.

I had to give my blog address to a potential future employer as part of a background investigation a year ago. I ended up turning the job down and unless something goes terribly wrong I have no plans to ever apply there again or pursue that particular path.

But the thought of someone who has extensive (the biggest understatement ever) personal information about me also having this blog address gives me the heebie jeebies.

I sit down to pour my heart out, and then I picture my investigator perusing these pages and I freeze up. Writing that out actually makes me feel a little better. Because in reality there is no possible way that anyone at that employer would actually care or could be bothered to look this up a year after the fact. But that thought still lingers, and then I freeze up, and can’t bring myself to write.

 

Those Moments

When you realize you are not who you want to be.

When you don’t feel like you are making any forward progress.

When you don’t know where you are going or where you’re supposed to be.

When you aren’t quite sure how you ended up here.

When nothing you do quite seems good enough.

When you feel like it’s two steps back for every three steps forward.

When you try, try, try and still feel off track.

Snow

I used to passionately hate snow. That is an understatement.  But over the years I learned that when you don’t  have to drive in it and it means a day at home and everything is beautiful and you actually own a winter coat it can be grand.

I. Am. Pumped. Snow! Snow! Snow! I don’t care that the rest of the city hates it and is ready to pack up and move to Florida. We’re supposed to get snow this week and I can’t wait.

A few weeks ago I actually was seriously considering hopping on a plane to Boston or New York ahead of the next storm to get snowed in. I didn’t, but I wanted to.

I know it’s cold and wet and DDot is a disaster in normal weather and VDot doesn’t seem to understand that you are supposed to drive with the plow down when there’s snow…

But I just want one more day of everything being pristine and clean and silent and beautiful.

P.S. Saw today that National Park Service is predicting peak blooms April 11-14, at the end of the festival. I’ll take it!

So I’m a Mean Person

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You see this beauty? I want it. I want it all to myself. I heard last week that the peak may be delayed and I was pumped!  I selfishly don’t really like the Cherry Blossom Festival. Hordes and hordes and hordes  and hordes of people meandering around, behaving badly.

Do not pick the blossoms. Do not hang on the trees. Do not climb the trees. Do not stop in the middle of a packed cross walk to take a photo. Do not stop in the middle of the street to take a photo. Do not pose your family for 15 minutes while people wait to continue along the sidewalk between you and them. Do not bring your kids in a stroller, the sidewalk is a disaster of tree roots and you will get stuck and spend 5 minutes trying to navigate the stroller off of a single root. Do not let your child pee on a tree. Do not throw rocks at the ducks in the Tidal Basin and laugh when they think it’s food, that’s cruel. The sidewalk around the trees is the size of a normal sidewalk, do not hold hands with your 17 closest bffs and walk down it. Do not open an umbrella unless it is actually raining, you will take out countless eyeballs if you do. Do not hold your wedding ceremony on the sidewalk and mow people down when Park Police show up because you don’t have a permit and the wedding party takes off running in different directions. Do not enter the Metro station and stop directly at the bottom of the escalator and stare. Please please please walk left, stand right on the escalator. And for the love of God do not throw your trash into the Tidal Basin.

Those things should not need to be said. But unfortunately every year I witness some horror of etiquette. The last 2 years the trees have peaked exactly during the festival. But this year, the peak may be delayed! And that means that it may be just a little quieter, a little more peaceful, with a little less hawking of “I ❤ DC” t-shirts when the trees are at full bloom. Maybe that makes me a mean person, but I sure am excited at the prospect of seeing the trees with a little less craziness.

Back Again

Well… I’m back.  I’ve been itching to write for months now, but for some reason I couldn’t quite bring myself to take the leap and log back in.

I’m pretty sure though that my sisters are tired of me sending them book length texts on topics that I would normally blog.

Since I left… I’m not entirely sure. We had a fantastic Thanksgiving, the best Christmas ever which involved no gifts & no hoopla just time spent together having fun. The time since then has absolutely flown by. Things have been going smoothly and I find myself nervous that maybe things have been too smooth. There have also been some struggles and some self loathing, but I’m working on that.  So hang tight while I try to wrangle my thoughts into words and line them up into something resembling a post.