I have mentally composed a post about my goals for this year about 18 times, but have yet to actually sit down and write it. If I had, this post would make a lot more sense. But we’ll just take it one thing at a time.
I took three steps this weekend to accomplish big goals that I set for myself, and it feels awesome.
One goal was to go to things to learn. Whether that be a book discussion, a class, a lecture, a museum exhibit, whatever just go. I never want to stop learning. A few weeks ago I signed up for a one night painting class and I went. It was pretty awesome. I would have told you that never in a million years could I paint anything recognizable. And my painting isn’t great and I can think of at least 12 tweaks I would like to make, but I did it. I did something outside of my comfort zone to learn something new.
Another goal for this year is to be brave. I used to be so brave. I used to be such a bad ass. I was never afraid. And then I started getting kicked in the face by life, and those events have left me worried and nervous. What if something happens? What if I get hurt? What if after everything I went through something happens and my dreams really are destroyed? And so I hesitate and move cautiously. But that’s not who I want to be.
Riding my bike in the street (as opposed to the sidewalk, a bike path, or a designated bike lane) symbolizes not being afraid to me. So today I ordered lights for my bike so that I can stop agonizing over if I’m visible enough and using that as an excuse not to ride. Fuck it. I’m riding my bike in the street. Just as soon as I get my lights installed.
The last thing, and this is probably the biggest – my goal for this year is not to be mean to myself. I punish myself all the time in a million different ways for not being good enough. One of the smaller ways, is that I don’t let myself buy something I really want if it’s not the cheapest option. It’s really silly when I say it out loud. I’ve never let myself buy mascara more expensive than Cover Girl or Maybelline. I don’t know why. It just seems too extravagant, like I’m not pretty enough or skilled enough at applying makeup to spend the money on expensive stuff. I really wanted Too Faced Better Than Sex mascara, I couldn’t bring myself to buy it so I put it on my birthday list. But I didn’t tell anyone that I had a birthday list. Because it seemed like too much to tell people when they asked that I had some things that I wanted, but they were nice good quality things that I haven’t been able to bring myself to purchase.
So I put mascara on my birthday list, and didn’t tell anyone. Shockingly enough, I didn’t get mascara for my birthday. And that was fine by me, because if I had gotten it I wouldn’t have been able to bring myself to use it. I needed eyeliner so I went to the store and while I was there I bought myself Too Faced Better Than Sex mascara. It took me a little more than 6 months to bring myself to buy it but I did it.
It feels good to be able to look at what I did this weekend and see three little things that are really steps to my larger goals for being the person that I want to be. I’m just taking baby steps.