I’ll tell you what I want

I feel like I’m right on the cusp of being where I want to be. And now I’m trying to incorporate into that who I want to be as well.

I’ve realized I don’t want to be one-dimensional. That’s part of what made this past year so hard. My only goal and everything about who I want to be has been wrapped up in my career goals for as long as I can remember. When that started crumbling it left me feeling like I was being buried alive by my failure.

I want to be a person who has hobbies and interests. I want to pursue goals and enjoy my life. I want to have relationships with people and have friends. I want to do things that matter.

I find myself thinking that I want to love myself. I’ve struggled and hated myself for so long. I want to love myself. I want to love who I am. I don’t want to see myself as a failure because I’m afraid to pursue things.

I want to love my body. I hate that I don’t. And that might be because I feel like it has failed me and let me down. I’m afraid to trust it and I feel like it’s holding me back. But I want to love it.

I want to feel confident and strong.

I want to pursue things I have always been interested in doing. I want to be brave again. I don’t want to not do something because I don’t have someone to go with me. I want to take myself out and treat myself.

I want to be brave enough to ride my bike in the street.

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